Until You're Not Scared
by worldwithnomirrors
Summary: So, I had an epiphany. This takes place sometime after 7x12, Callie and Arizona are back together but experiencing some troubles. One-shot.


Rolling over in my sleep to snuggle in close to Arizona, it wasn't until my arm landed on the empty space next to me that I woke up. My eyes immediately fluttered open and my mind started racing irrationally.

She wasn't there. Had she left me again?

I sat up and looked around the room, struggling to see anything at all in the darkness of the night. My heart was pounding in my chest and in all my desperation it didn't even occur to me to turn on a light.

Arizona wasn't in the room.

I glared over at the digital clock on the nightstand – 3:46. She definitely hadn't gone to work yet, and if she had been paged, I would have woken up.

I wanted to call out her name, but something stopped me. In the back of my head, I knew she would be there somewhere, she was probably just in the bathroom, or maybe she couldn't sleep so she went to get something to eat. I knew this, I knew I didn't really have anything to worry about, I didn't _really _think that she would leave me again. But there was that fear inside of me that just wouldn't let go, and it kept nagging me.

I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep again before I knew where she was. I started contemplating what way would be the most discreet to find out, because I didn't want her to know I was worried. But as I started looking over my options in my head, I heard the toilet flush. I closed my eyes and let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding as I lay back down in bed. Staring up onto the ceiling, I wondered how long it would take before I got over this, before I could completely trust Arizona again. I _wanted_ to trust her, more than anything, but she had hurt me so deeply that right now I just couldn't.

As the door slowly creaked open, I instinctively spun my head around to look up at Arizona as she tip-toed out of the bathroom. Feeling ashamed, I quickly turned away from her, realizing the second I did it that it wasn't the smartest thing to do if I didn't want her to notice my unease.

"Hey," she whispered softly. "Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." Crawling into the covers, she draped one arm around my waist, hugging me to her, and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.

"It's okay," I assured her. "I'll fall asleep again, don't worry about it."

I knew she knew something wasn't right and I was surprised she didn't say anything at first.

She propped her head up on her arm as her fingers gently played across the skin of my stomach. "Okay," she simply said. I could feel her staring at me as she slowly moved her hand up my stomach, stopping just beneath my breasts, her thumb in the valley between them. I closed my eyes and pretended not to notice her gaze on me – I didn't want to talk about it, there was nothing to do anyway. I didn't want to guilt her about leaving me again, we had been down that road enough already.

She could feel my pounding heart under her palm, the fear lingering in my body.

Leaning forward, she nuzzled her face into the side of mine. "Calliope," she whispered onto my skin. She brushed her lips over my chin and then the corner of my mouth. "What's wrong?" she finally asked as she cuddled closer.

I sighed silently. "Nothing," I said. "Go back to sleep, you have a long day tomorrow."

Even though my eyes were still closed, I knew as she drew away that she was looking at me, contemplating what to say or do, not convinced I was okay.

"Please tell me what's wrong," she persisted softly.

"Arizona, it's nothing, really," I said, my eyes still closed.

"Did I do something?" I could hear the worry in her voice.

I sighed, turning my face to her and opening my eyes, looking up at her. "No," I reassured her as I traced my fingertips along her jaw. "Now come here," I added as I held out my arms to her, "cuddle me."

She looked at me incredulously. "Callie," she started. I dropped my arms down and closed my eyes again for a moment as I took a deep breath, slightly irritated she wouldn't just let it go. "I know you," she said. "I know when something isn't right, so just, talk to me, please?"

"Arizona, please," I pleaded, "it's the middle of the night, I am tired and we already had the conversation, I really don't think we need to talk about it right now. You didn't do anything, okay?" I stared at her, shifting my gaze from one blue eye to the other, hoping she would let the matter drop.

But when she looked back at me, I saw that she knew. Her face dropped, and pain flashed across her beautiful face as I felt her hand slip away from my stomach.

"No," I said, quickly grabbing her wrist and placing her hand back on top of me. "Don't do that." She wasn't looking at me, so I ducked my head to try and get eye contact. When she finally looked at me, I could – in spite of the dark – see a single tear trickle down her cheek.

Even though I knew I had every right to feel the way I did, a twist of guilt shot through me as Arizona cried in silence, trying her hardest to keep the tears away.

I took her face in my hands and reached up to kiss away the tears running down her face. "Don't cry," I whispered against her skin between kisses, "please don't cry."

She sniffled and took a deep, shaky breath as she rested her cheek against mine. "You think I'm going to leave you," she stated.

I hesitated. "No," I then said. "I don't."

She pulled away from me and sat up. "Yeah, you do," she disagreed, her voice low and sad. "When you woke up and I wasn't here, you thought I had left." There was no anger in her words, only regret and sadness.

Pain shot through me again as I realized how she must have been feeling – she loved me and I didn't trust her. Even though it was because she once left me, I couldn't help but feel bad for her.

"Arizona..." I started, but she cut me off.

"No, it's okay, I understand," she said as she brought a hand to her face, wiping the tears away. "I can tell you a million times that I love you and that I will stay with you but you won't believe me, and I only have myself to blame for that."

I scooted closer, propping myself up on my elbow, brushing my face over her arm. "I know you love me. And eventually I'll know you'll stay too. Eventually, I will. It's just gonna take some time." I left soft kisses along her upper arm as I caressed the lower with my hand, desperate to make her feel better.

"Yeah," she simply said, her voice cold as she rose off the bed.

I grabbed her hand to keep her from leaving and she sat back down at the edge of the bed. "Hey," I whispered softly. "Where are you going?"

She looked at me. "I just need to think for a while," she said as she leaned closer and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. I could hear the tears she was still trying to keep at bay, and I really didn't want her to go, I wanted to just wrap my arms around her and make the pain go away for both of us.

I looked at her, wondering why she wanted to be alone.

"I'm not mad," she assured me. "I'm just... Sad."

I held on to her hand as I glared up at her. "Won't you let me hold you?"

She mustered a faint smile. "I'll just be a little while, then you can hold me. Okay?"

I sighed, disappointed, and sad, too. "Okay."

"Okay."

She turned to leave the room but I still wouldn't let go of her hand. "Hey." I stopped her again and sat up to get my face close to hers. I stroked her cheek with my hand as I looked into her eyes, then at her lips. I closed my eyes and brushed my mouth against hers before kissing her lightly. "I love you," I whispered, my eyes still closed, and I kissed her again. I slipped my tongue out a little, and as I felt Arizona's lips part, I slid my tongue into her mouth, deepening the kiss. It was a soft, gentle kiss and I put all of the love that I was feeling for her into it, needing her to know how much she meant to me.

I wanted so badly to pull her back with me onto the bed, but I decided to let her go, to give her the space she asked for.

As we mutually broke the kiss, I was breathless. My eyes still closed, I leaned my forehead against hers, holding her face firmly in my hands.

I gave her another quick kiss before I pulled back, but before I had a chance to say anything else, she stood up and left the room.

I lay back against the mattress and snuggled into the covers, hating that I felt so guilty. It was true what Arizona had said – she only had herself to blame. But it didn't matter, because I loved her and she was hurting. And when she was hurting, I was hurting.

I wanted to trust her. I wished that I could just forget that she had ever left me, and just trust her completely. I believed her, I believed that she wouldn't walk away again. But there was just something inside of me that was telling me differently, that I shouldn't trust her. My instincts, I guess. And usually they were right and I should listen to them but this time, my head and my heart knew better than my instincts did. Yet they kept bugging me, messing with my head. Because the most sane thing to do would have been not to let her back into my life again. But that wasn't an option.

Maybe it just wasn't time yet. Maybe we needed this time to adjust, to grow closer again and to earn each other's trust again. Or, at least for her to earn mine. There really was no reason for her not to trust me, not that I could think of anyway.

Sighing, I looked to the door and started considering going out to talk to her. I couldn't sleep now anyway, so in any case I might as well get up.

And yeah, I wanted to talk to her. And then I wanted her back in bed with me.

Determined, I got out of bed and walked over to the door, carefully opening it, not wanting to risk startling Arizona. Walking out into the living room and kitchen, I saw her sitting on one of the stools by the breakfast bar, her elbows resting on the bar, a cup in her hands.

She heard me coming and looked over at me for a quick second before turning back to stare forward, not saying a word. Her face was wet with tears and her eyes were a little blood shot.

"Hey," I said as I walked over to her.

"Hey," she replied quietly, still just looking straight ahead as she took a sip of whatever was in the cup.

A part of me wanted to apologize, but it wouldn't be right. What would I be apologizing for? For feeling something I had every right in the world to feel? No. It wouldn't do any good and also Arizona wouldn't approve.

I stood close to her, pressing my front into her side and placing my right hand on her lower back as I kissed her shoulder through her shirt. "I really wish you would come back to bed," I said.

She exhaled loudly, a sign of annoyance. "I told you, I just needed to think." Her voice was a little harsh, but I could tell she tried not to be. I knew she was more angry with herself than she was angry with me for coming out to talk to her.

I took a step closer to the bar and carefully took the cup out of her hands, my fingers instantaneously brushing over hers. I sat the cup down on the flat surface and placed my hands on her hips, turning the stool so she was facing me and I moved to stand between her knees as I looked up at her. I kept my hands on her hips and she rested her hands on my arms, not looking at me.

"Arizona," I started. "I obviously can't find it within me right now to trust you completely, but I love you." I ducked my head to force her to look at me. "Okay?"

She nodded her head as she looked back at me. "I love _you_," she stated.

I stroked her face with my hand before locking my arms behind her back. "I know you do. And I want to trust you. I don't actually _believe_ you are going to leave me, it's not something that I walk around worrying about all day or even at all. But it's in the back of my head, like I need to be prepared for it," I explained.

Arizona nodded again as she sniffled. "I know, and I get it, I do," she said. "I just..." she trailed off and looked away, as if pondering what to say next. "I hate what I did to you," she admitted, remorse clear in her voice as she looked down, not able to look me in the eye. I ran my hands slowly up and down her back for comfort as she continued, "I despise myself for it every day, and I can't stand it when you get scared that I might have left. It hurts me that I made you feel that way. I hate it so much Callie. I don't want you to wake up in the middle of the night wondering whether or not I am still here."

"I know," I stated, wanting to continue and say that it wouldn't always be like that, but Arizona kept talking.

"And I know it's my fault, I know that. But I hate it, I hate that I have ruined our relationship this way."

"No, stop," I demanded softly, bringing my fingers to her chin, forcing her to look at me again. "Don't be so hard on yourself. Our relationship isn't ruined. It isn't what it was before, but it can, and it will be again. It's just going to take some time. You made a mistake. We all make mistakes, but I've forgiven you for it. Now you need to forgive yourself."

"I know. It's just so hard when I know, feel and see what that did to you, that you are hurting because of me," she explained and brought her hand to my face, caressing my cheek. "I never wanted to hurt you."

"I know you don't, but baby," I said as I rested my forehead against hers, closing my eyes and pressing my palms into her back, needing her closer. Taking a deep breath, I continued. "You bring me so much more joy than you do hurt." I pulled back slightly to look at her again. "You're my heart, Arizona. You're everything." I looked deeply into her eyes, really wanting her to see how much I meant what I said.

She stared back at me and she looked puzzled somehow, almost as if she didn't believe me.

I brought my hand to her face, still staring intently at her. "You're _everything_," I repeated.

She still looked at me as if she didn't believe me, or as if she couldn't believe I was saying this.

"Arizona," I said and smiled slightly at how completely adorable she was in that moment. "I love you."

Her eyes watered at my words. She brought her hands to my face and brushed her thumbs over my cheeks before bringing her lips to mine, kissing me softly. I brought my hand from her face to her waist, carefully gripping the skin. Between kisses, I could hear her shaky breathing, a clear sign that she was crying.

I broke the kiss and wrapped my arms tightly around her, hugging her to me.

"I love you," she cried. "I love you so much. I love you so much, Callie." Burrowing her face into the crook of my neck, she sobbed silently against my skin as I held her close. "I'm sorry," she whispered, so silently I could barely hear it. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

"Sch, sch, come on, we've talked about this already. You don't have to apologize anymore." My heart was aching for her, the worst thing I knew was when she was sad.

I pulled back, looking at her tear streaked face, holding it in my hands. I ran one hand over her forehead and across her skull, moving some hair away from her eyes. "Aw, baby, you're gonna be so tired tomorrow," I said. "Let's go back to bed, I'll tuck you in."

She nodded. "Sounds good," she whispered as she sniffled. She slipped off the stool and I took her hand and led her back into the bedroom. She lay down first and I snuggled in behind her, wrapping my arms around her and nuzzling my face into her hair as I inhaled her sweet scent.

"Callie?" she whispered tentatively.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you..." she trailed off, taking my hand. "For staying with me." She nervously fiddled with my fingers as she spoke. "Even though you don't really trust me. Thank you for having faith in me. That's all I could ever ask for."

Not sure what to say in response, I tightened my arms around her warm body, savoring the feeling that was conjured within me whenever she was close to me. I sighed into her soft curls, smelling her scent once more.

"You smell so good," I stated and kissed the back of her neck.

A silence fell upon us.

"I won't leave you," she suddenly said, turning her face a little in my direction. "I know it doesn't mean anything right now, but I'll keep saying it until you stop being scared when you don't know where I am."

I hugged her to me and nuzzled into the back of her neck a little more, kissing her again. "Okay babe," I whispered. "Sleep tight. I love you."

"I love you too."


End file.
